I think this is the 'learn' part

I'm not even sure how to start this blog entry. Just when life seems to go the way I think it should go, it changes and I'm not sure why, but I know it has to do with what I am supposed to learn from it.

Last Tuesday Feb. 10th I went to my first prenatal appointment. Everytime someone asked me how I was feeling I said, "Too good", meaning I didn't feel pregnant. I didn't have morning sickness like I did with Missy Moo and Mr. Bumbles. I worried there was something wrong. Especially when my blood sugar numbers started to go down. They were super high when I started taking them, and well, I was just a little worried.

So at my appointment, I told the doctor and he said he could try to get me into the Ultrasound Tech if I had any worry and that it wasn't a problem. He said every thing looked great and that my uterus was about the size it needed to be. I was so excited for the baby's due date 9/9/09, how cool is that!?

We were sent to Vicki, the doctor's nurse, and she gave us all the loot, diaperbag, with all the goodies, pamphlets galore. Then it was our turn (Mr. Sweetie came with me) for the ultrasound. When I saw the baby I got really excited. I was quiet and tryed to hear the heart beat and strained to see the baby move. The ultrasound lady was taking measurements, I looked up at her and she said, "I'm sorry I don't have good news, there is no heartbeat." My brain was in disbelief, I somehow wanted her to be playing a sick joke on us and say Just Kidding. But she continued by saying, " It looks like the baby died in the 7th week, I am very sorry." I have no other way to explain my feelings, than I was in shock. And a flash back of the movie Mr. Sweetie and I just saw (Marley and Me) poped in my brain. Even though, I had a feeling there might be something wrong, it was hard to move forward with the news. Why didn't I have any spotting or bleeding? Why if I am at 9 1/2 weeks, is the baby still in there? Then my brain tried to pin point when it may have happened. I remember waking up in the middle of the night (at the end of January sometime), burning up, because of my heating blanket and worrying that I was too hot for the baby. I was so scared, I turned the blanket off immediately, I even wrote on my calendar when it happened just in case something did happen to the baby. ( I looked back and that was at about the 8th week) Who knows.....but I do know I'll drive myself nuts if I think any more about how it might have happened. If anything.

My mom was watching Mr. Bumbles, so she was the first one to know about the loss. Then Mr. Sweetie called his parents. I was still in denial. I had had a feeling before I got pregnant that I would lose a baby and it would be a girl. Then when I first got pregnant I had another feeling, that I would have twins and one wouldn't make it. The feeling was so strong I told Mr. Sweetie about it, because it was disturbing me. I worried so much about it, so after we had gotten home from the doctor, I remembered this feeling and immediately felt I wanted to have a more thourough ultra sound, just to make sure there wasn't another life in there. The doctor suggested getting a D and C done on Thursday (since that was his surgery day), but I wanted some other proof. I also remembered a friend said she was told she had a sac in her uterus, but no baby. She said she knew she was pregnant because she was still craving odd foods and felt she shouldn't have a D and C. I called the doctor's office and asked if we could have a little more thourough ultra sound just to be safe. We went back later that day, even though the insurance wouldn't cover it and did more probing, but to no avail there was no other baby.

I was a little confused at why I felt the way that I did, but was willing to accept this second opinion. Mr. Sweetie suggested that maybe I misinterpreted the feelings I received, because I did in fact lose a baby. He is very sweet and kind and I love how he just believes in me and builds me up. So I arranged with my Activity Day partner, Nanette, to have her take on the 8-11 year old girls on her own on Thursday, just in case. I did my part of course, by making up a Valentine's Day card as an example and gave stamped hearts for them to cut out so they could make their own cards. But Nanette took on the cupcake decorating. Nanette and I also teach together on the 3rd Sunday of the month in the women's meeting, so I found someone else for her to teach with as well. I am not fond of teaching these lessons, but this Sunday I was actually looking forward to talking about missionary work. Oh, well.

The next day I started to feel crampy and had a little spotting, and that is just what I needed to give me the extra evidence to go through with the D and C. Mr. Sweetie and I both felt this is the way it should go, so I set up for the operation to happen the next day, on Thursday. All though I was still in shock and a little scared to be put under anesthesia, I went through with it and Mr. Sweetie was with me the whole way. He took the day off and we took it on together.

The new IHC Hospital in Murray is the most amazing hospital. I had my own room to wait in before going into surgery. It was like a hotel, except for the fact they stuck and I.V. in my arm and drew my blood out of the other arm. All the nurses were so nice. I started out the day a little grumpy, but their kindness softened my nerves and emotions. The operation went well. The first thing I remember waking up was the tail end of the breathing tube being taken out of my mouth, opening my eyes and not recognizing the person taking it out. And then asking this person if I could spit because the breathing tube left some jelly-like lougee in my mouth. Gross! I am so glad I wasn't awake a few seconds earlier to feel the tube come out of my throat! Yikes!

Anyway the surgery only took 30 minutes and went well. The drugs they gave me made me feel like I could just pop up out of bed and run a marathon or something. That stuff is amazing. No wonder people get addicted to drugs. I just laughed to myself when they made me ride in a wheelchair to the car. Didn't they know I was just fine. I walked and went to the bathroom on my own! Besides I felt like superwoman!

When I got home I finished my JR Whopper, side salad and apple fries, all I felt like doing was going to sleep. Luckily we have a super comfy couch and that's where I stayed for the rest of the evening.

The next few days I just felt numb, but the loss of the baby didn't truely hit me until I was getting ready for church and I dropped to my knees and just cried in my closet. It felt really good to get that out. I wondered why it took so long to feel the loss. I figured I was just in denial, and then I missed being pregnant and I wanted so badly to have our last baby before I turned 40 years old. Now that won't happen. I don't want to have a newborn in the winter, with RSV or any other sickness that goes along with the cold weather months. So December and January are out. I am warming up to February, because I just want to have another baby as soon as I can. I know there is another one up there for us I can just feel it. I feel it so much that I miss this little spirit, just talking and thinking about him. (Yes, I feel it is a 'him'.) But I guess Heavenly Father just wants me to learn something. Patience maybe, or long suffering. Wanting something so much, but knowing I will have to wait just makes my heart ache. This is how Heavenly Father humbles me, and helps me to trust in him. I know that is what he did for me while waiting for Mr. Sweetie and I to meet. Mr. Bumbles just came too easy. First try, first pregnancy. Boom he came, just as we planned. Life is funny. Most of the time I think I am in control, but when things like this happen I realize He is in control and I just need to do my best to fill in the rest and make my life meaningful.